Dear Marvin Lewis,

My name is Adam Jones, my friends and family call me Pacman. I don’t know why they call me Pacman, but I think it’s pretty cool so I don’t mind.

I am writing you in hopes that you may consider trading for me so I can play cornerback for your Cincinatti Bengals. I think we would be a perfect fit.

You see, after being drafted sixth overall last year, I decided to go to a club and celebrate. I thought I was getting along swimmingly with the people at the club. I was buying people shots left and right, and telling them how great I am gonna be for their Titans. It was a great night. And then some drunk redneck yelled out that he knew the real reason they called me Pac-Man. Of course that pissed me off and before I knew it I ended up in the clink.

The charges were eventually dropped due to the fact that I am, well, Pacman Jones, and I make a lot of money. Money that could easily be donated to the judges pockets. (Oops, forget I said that last part.) I went on to have pretty good rookie season. If you consider I got paid all that money as a cornerback and I had a grand total of zero interceptions all year a good season. And I do. I got paid a bunch of money, that was good enough for me.

Now I know that one run in with the law may not qualify me for a spot on your roster, so in order to prove to you that I am determined to become a Bengal, I went out and got in some more trouble. Get this. I went to a club again (Cincy does have clubs right? I hope so, that’s where I do my best work). Again I was downing shots like Mel Gibson and having a great time. Then I reach in my wallet and see that the $750 I brought with me was gone. Someone must have stolen it. Either that or I bought $750 worth of henny. Which could very well be possible. But I still think someone stole it.

So what did I do? I spit in this broads face and when the cops showed up I told them what they can do with their fancy badges. Yeah, that’s right I stood up to the law. That’s how tough I am. But apparently they did not appreciate that and they charged me with a couple of petty misdemeaners. But I don’t care, cause I now had my second offense to put on my resume.

So Mr. Lewis, as you can see I am just as much of a criminal as the other guys on your team (well except maybe Chris Henry, that dude just got issues) and I think we’d be a perfect fit. Don’t get me wrong I like it here in Tennessee, it’s just that I heard you guys got nice clubs up there and your holding cells were nicer than the ones down here. That, and your team looks poised for another playoff run and the Titans just flat out suck. So, can’t you help a brotha out? I promise I won’t let you down.

Thank you for your time,

Adam “Pacman” Jones

Memphis Correctional Facility

#5475931

Legislative Note: This letter is entirely made up by me for humor purposes. At no point is it meant to slander Mr Jones, the Bengals or any other person named in this piece. Thank you, and have a good weekend.

NFL | RSS 2.0 | Comment it , or trackback this post.